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    Dirty Rotton Hippies Plucked From Trees

    By Sparky | September 9, 2008

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    It’s over. It’s finally friggin over. The damn tree hugging, authority smiting, pot smoking, Birkenstock wearing, shampoo hating, feces tossing, unemployed losers were finally removed from the trees.

    For those of you who don’t know the story, UC Berkeley was already half-baked in 1923 when they built their football stadium and they thought it would be a good idea to build it on a fault line. A few years ago they finally made final plans to retrofit the stadium, which has a visible crack running along the side denoting the fault line, and also to build a new athletic training facility. The athletic facility would make it so athletes wouldn’t have to change in their cars, so weight trainers wouldn’t be stuck bench pressing each other, and so the football team wouldn’t constantly be USC’s bitch. At least two of those would be solved anyway.

    However, in order to build this athletic facility to update an 85 year old stadium, a grove of trees would have to be cleared, most of which were planted when the stadium was built. Enter your garden variety bearded (male and female), dread-locked, smelly Berkeley hippie with nothing better to do. As soon as their heard of this plan that might actually be a good idea, they climbed up into those trees and staged a sit in, refusing to come down until the University reneged on their plans. They claimed everything, from just being simple tree huggers, to believing that the trees were endangered  to claiming that the trees, which were built in 1923, were somehow a sacred Native American burial ground, to simply wanting the trees to themselves so they could smoke them. If anyone disagreed with them, they threw feces and piss buckets. Like a bunch of monkeys.

    Well today, those smelly jackasses are finally out of the tree, that coincidentally, they were killing with all of their piss and hippie feces. As a UC Berkeley alum, and as someone who considers myself a liberal, I think it’s about damn time. Here is an incomplete and unordered list of brilliant ideas that I think we should have used two years ago to remove them from the tree. Feel free to email your own.

    1. Use one of those tree shakers that they use on farms to get nuts out of trees and shake the piss, and nuts, out of the trees.
    2. Offer a new scholarship to the student who writes an essay on the most creative object to throw at the hippies to knock them out of the trees.
    3. Let Mr Chau’s Chinese Fast food do the catering for their food supply.
    4. Hang shampoo and bars of soap from the branches of the trees. That should scare them down.
    5. Offer them zigzags. The hippies will eventually smoke the whole tree.
    6. Since it’s “an ancient Native American burial ground” we probably need to honor them with a bonfire…
    7. Tell them that they are now all employees of UC Berkeley. The prospect of being employed should probably scare them away.
    8. Call Paul Bunyan and his trust Blue Ox.
    9. Hide razor blades in their toilet paper.
    10. See if the T-Rex from Jurassic Park is available.
    11. Let loose a bunch of vicious mutant chimpanzees for an experiment on survival of the fittest.
    12. Drop a VW hippie van on them.
    13. Give them all Clinton masks and tell the Republican party to bring guns.
    14. Put John Kerry up there with them and get him to start talking.
    15. When they’re high (when are they not) make a trail of pop tarts down the tree.
    16. If a tree falls with hippies in it, does anybody care?

    I’m so glad they’re finally out of the tree. Now the students at Berkeley can go back to their normal lives of being ignored by professors, the police can wash off the hippie piss and go back to ignoring car robberies and pretending Oakland isn’t next door, and the football team can go back to underachieving in the national spotlight. Go Bears.

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    Topics: Rants, Sparky | 3 Comments »

    3 Responses to “Dirty Rotton Hippies Plucked From Trees”

    1. Flu-Bird Says:
      November 16th, 2008 at 7:26 pm

      Stupid mindless bunch wouldnt do the same thing in front of a abortion clinic becuase their so into this over population poppycock bull kaka of PAUL EHRLICH and they have probibly been reading AL GORES poppycock EARTH IN THE BALANCE and watching his big fat eco fest A INCOVENT TRUTH and seeing mindless mush from hollyweed FAMILY TREE what a bunch of liberal granola munching tree hugging green weenies

    2. earthchild Says:
      November 1st, 2010 at 8:40 pm


      take the tampon out of your ass and stop making fun of hippies, you just need to meditate or something.

    3. Sparky Says:
      March 10th, 2011 at 8:17 pm

      lawl. anger issues much?