• Public Transport-a-Potty

    By Sparky | May 16, 2008

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    As I’ve mentioned before, I take the train to work right now. One of the worst parts of my day involves the thick acrid stench that is always present on the train, wafting in green squiggly waves from the grimy closet they call a bathroom.

    I think the most unfortunate part of it is that people don’t generally want to use the john on the train. With all the jumping and jerking around that the train does, it gets relatively difficult to aim, much less keep your ass properly centered. This leads to a problem. The only people that use the pot are the ones that REALLY have issues. I’m talking about the Green Bay native that had too much beans and sourkraut heaped on his wurst at the hofbrau. I’m talking about the dude who has 3 bran muffins for breakfast and washes them down with mulch and tree bark. I’m talking about the drunk guy coming home from the Giant’s game who isn’t able to properly aim at the two toilets floating in front of him.

    It gets really annoying to eat your breakfast when the only seat available is the one directly across from the crap pot. I think they should put the bathrooms only in special cars with the loud cell phone talkers, the overly zealous spandex-wearing bikers, the noisy gum chewers and the “I’m going to use copious amounts of cologne to cover up the fact that I didn’t shower” guy. I’d be a real shame if that car got left behind somewhere. Locked.

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    Topics: Rants, Sparky | No Comments »

    Highway Driving 101

    By Icebeast | May 11, 2008

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    So I went home this weekend for several reasons, including friends, mother’s day and to visit my dad after his surgery. This meant that I spent 5 hours driving up and 5 hours driving back. You’d think after doing this drive enough times I’d be used to crappy drivers, but alas I’m not. So here I am ranting about the crappiness of other drivers.

    The first rule of highway driving is, If you’re in the left lane, and you’re going slower than me, MTFO (move the f over). Half the time you don’t move over, so I sit there deciding how long to wait. When I finally decide to make the move to go around, then you decide to move over. We do a little game of cat and mouse between the left and right lane, until I finally pass you. I’ll say of all the things I’m about to rant about, this annoys me the worst.

    The second rule: When you’re about to overtake a truck, DON’T FREAKING SLOW DOWN. “OOO, It’s a big scary truck. I want to pass it but I’m too scared. Let me slow down by 20 MPH and then gradually pass it. If I slow down, it wont hurt me” Who the hell thinks like this? First, your car is between 3,000 and 7,000 lbs. That truck, fully loaded, is probably between 30,000 and 50,000 lbs. If it hits you for any reason, you’re screwed. The difference between 60 and 80 MPH isn’t going to save you. Secondly, if you’re going faster past it, the odds of it hitting you are lower, since you wont be next to it so long. I mean, are you really going to suddenly lose control of your car because you’re next to a truck. (I remind everyone that this is on Interstate 5 in the middle of California. I-5 in the middle of the state may be the straightest flattest road of all time).

    Third Rule: If you’re going to pass someone, check to see if a car is in the left lane first. If it is, and that car is going 10 to 20 MPH faster than you, WAIT FOR IT TO PASS YOU FIRST. Cars cutting out in front of me just before I’m about to pass them so they can pass someone else causing me to slowdown harshly is definitely not cool.

    Fourth Rule: When you freaking pass someone, pass them quickly. This is the one that probably drives me the most insane. Someone in the distance moves out to pass someone, ok cool. Five minutes later, me and thirty others are stuck behind the SAME CAR still trying to pass. I mean please, pass someone at a speed difference of greater than 1 MPH. I mean if you’re going 60.1 MPH and the guy in front of you is going 60 MPH, do you really need to pass him? When I pass someone, I usually accelerate past the speed I’m going a little bit to make the pass quickly and then slow back down. This way, I don’t hold up any faster cars behind me, and don’t have to be next to another car very long.

    An addendum to rule 4 is, if you’re going to pass on the right, DO IT EVEN FASTER. You have no idea how much I want to kill you cause you went to the right to pass the super slow car, only to go a minuscule amount faster than him.

    Fifth Rule: When someone is passing you, DON’T FREAKING ACCELERATE. You’re sitting behind a car going 5 – 10 MPH slower than you want to go. So you move out to pass them, although suddenly, they’ve discovered the magic pedal on the right that they’ve been ignoring for the last ten minutes. I can understand the urge to not be passed, but these people don’t even notice how fast they’re going. Example: Today I come up to a car doing 75 and I want to do 80-85. I finally move to the right to pass them. I accelerate up to 85, they accelerate up to 85. I accelerate to 95, they accelerate up to 95. Now I have the luxury of getting pissed of and blowing the person away, so I quickly accelerate up to 110 and smoke em. Next thing I know, I see in my rear view mirror the car catching up to me at 90ish (now that I’ve slowed down to the speed I want to go). And then I see the realization on their face of, OMG I’m doing 90 when I normally drive 75, let me slow. down.

    Anyways, this is all I can think of at the moment. I anticipate over the course of this blog, many more rants about bad drivers.

    One last thing. If you’re sitting here thinking, “What right does this douche have to tell me how to drive, when he sounds like a complete maniac”, I respond by saying that I have had 0 traffic violations and 0 accidents in the 9 years that I’ve been driving. (Knock on wood)

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    Topics: 101 Classes, Icebeast, Rants | 3 Comments »

    Gold Digger

    By Sparky | May 7, 2008

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    What’s the point of mining for nose gold if you can’t share it with the townspeople?
    - Family Guy

    I suppose that was the reasoning of a fine chap I recently had the pleasure of noticing on the train yesterday. A mid-fifties professional middle management dude with a spare tire around his waist and a full white beard was sitting a few rows down from me, depositing some mindless drivel into his cell phone. After he hung up, I ceased my relentless and highly ineffective glaring campaign and stared off at the scenery racing past the train along with precious minutes of my life. When I glanced back at him, I saw that he had begun a new pastime. He had begun spelunking in his nose, exploring the deep caverns, perhaps hoping to find where he left his watch the last time he had visited the nose garden.

    Proper Picking Technique
    This friendly looking Santa was knuckle deep in his nose. With his thumb. Thumbs should not fit in nostrils.

    Anyway, having successfully found his watch, Santa began retracting his digit from the depths. He glanced passively at his thumb once it had been rescued, and then proceeded to lick up the chunky booger he had prospected. Staring vacantly off into space, he chewed that booger thoughtfully, then he went looking for more.

    I’m not particularly grossed out by much. Gore can get my stomach churning, and I don’t particularly like baby poop. Or babies. But for whatever reason, the pleasure that this man was taking from his nose nuggets was definitely disturbing. His wife will probably wonder why he’s not hungry for dinner.

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    Topics: Rants, Sparky | 1 Comment »

    Seriously?

    By Icebeast | May 7, 2008

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    So, yesterday I attended a seminar on type systems. Knowing what a type system is, is of no importance for this rant. Anyways, while there, I discovered there is a proof system called Coq (pronounced as you might expect). Now, this is where I realized just how immature I can be. During this seminar, I couldn’t help chuckling every time the presenter said something like “Coq expert” or “Coq user”. My favorite moment, however, is when he was discussing how “Coq discharges” things (having to do with provers, again not important). I just couldn’t stop chuckling. A few others were chuckling like myself, but it seems the euphemisms were lost on everyone else. That in it self may reflect on the quality of CS students.

    From the Coq website
    The Coq Cock
    I wonder though, did the creators of Coq think this through when they named it? Did the realize the chuckles that would be made when discussing it? Is this just a huge oversight or is this someones purposeful joke at other researchers? If so, perhaps the joke is on us, as one nerdy CS professor, much older and more immature than I, is sitting in his house chuckling every time he hears of another Coq presentation.

    PS: That is, as I’m told, the Coq symbol.

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    Get off the Road.

    By Icebeast | May 5, 2008

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    So I park in a underground lot here, which every morning causes me rage. As you might imagine, from the road you take a small turn and then go down a slope into the lot. At the top of the hill is a pedestrian crossing where undergrads like to cross every morning. Now, being undergrads, they have no respect for the rules of the road, cars, themselves, cats and pretty much anything. So first, they all just cross willy nilly, no respect for my ton and half vehicle baring down on them. If they’re going to J walk, fine, but don’t do it at the rate of Best Buy Grandma (see earlier rant). (I realize my hypocrisy, since as a pedestrian I like to J walk too, but at least I do it in a speedy fashion). The ones that don’t cross sit right at the very edge of the curb. So when I drive by, I’m literally inches away. Do they care so little about there toes? I personally am very fond of my toes.

    Speaking of pedestrians, and the weird, now there seems to be walking stick dude. Some douche every morning has a walking stick, just sitting there at the curb. Why do you need a walking stick? Are you so tired from your long ten minute walk from the dorms that you need something to rest against? Are your 18 year old bones that brittle. Drink a freaking glass of milk and lose the walking stick.

    So after finally getting past the pedestrian shooting gallery, you come around a blind turn and go down into the parking lot. Well lo and behold, you go around this turn and there is a SUV (always a SUV, never a car), just stopped there in the right lane. Why is a car parked on the path to a PARKING LOT? This is perhaps the most douchy thing that you can do. You cant see the car until its right in front of you, and then we all scramble to get out of the way. Either park up at the street, park in the lot, park up your ass, just don’t freaking park around a blind turn blocking traffic who are undoubtedly furious at pedestrians.

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    Topics: 101 Classes, Icebeast, Rants | No Comments »

    High Horse

    By Sparky | May 4, 2008

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    In case anyone missed the Kentucky Derby Saturday, a filly named Eight Belles went down today with two broken ankles and was euthanized on the spot. That really sucks. It was undoubtedly the right decision; a horse that can’t stand up won’t be able to heal, and since one of the breaks was compound, it was likely to get infected. A three legged horse isn’t much good to anyone. Unless you like riding in circles. Anyway, my rant is more about the sport itself. Don’t get me wrong, I think that it IS a legitimate spectator sport (unlike NASCAR, goddam rednecks) and I do occasionally enjoy going to the track to watch a few races and plunk down a few $2 bets. I think horses are awesome animals that could smash me into dog food if it wanted to and I love watching how powerful they are. What I hate is everything that is behind the sport. Now, almost every major sports team is owned by a rich white man and his trophy wife.

    Rich White Man and His Hat
    But rarely is the pasty son o’ bitch splashed on the TV screen as shamelessly as in horse racing. Something about knowing that the horse wasn’t out there just to run, but was out there to make a rich white man into a richer white man bothers me. In all the other sports, they hide the rich white man in a press box somewhere. Maybe they could hide the horse owners behind one of those big goddam hats. I also vote for more interviews with the squeaky-voiced oompa loompa jockeys. I bet you can hide a lot of oompa loompas in one of those hats.

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    Get Off the Goddam Phone!

    By Sparky | May 4, 2008

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    One of my biggest pet peeves is people yakking into their cell phones about all the things that I don’t give a flying crap about. I take the train to work right now and I’m not only bombarded by the vague stink of urine that is ever present on the train, but I also get to deal with morons who love to hear themselves talk. I especially love that because smart phones became popular so quickly, people often have both a regular flip phone and their over-priced touch screen doo-hickey smart phone. WTF are you going to do with two phones? I sure know what I’d like to do with it. But believe me, I don’t want to hear you close a business deal, nor do I want to know whether it’s contagious or not, nor do I want to know what’s for dinner.

    If it’s not enough that people no longer have any regard for the people around them when they’re on the phone, people generally seem to vastly over estimate their driving abilities. I have no problems calling to get some directions, or using your morning commute to catch up on an important call or two. But for Chrissakes, when you just call someone to chat and it forces you to make a one handed U-turn in your gas-guzzling SUV that has a steering wheel that you just so barely see over… I don’t think it will be long before I get to witness my very own incident of a cell phone toting soccer mom careen into a bus stop taking out a few school children and a chihuahua. Not that I’d mind about the chihuahua.

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    Topics: 101 Classes, Rants, Sparky | No Comments »

    Technation

    By Icebeast | May 4, 2008

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    So on Tuesday, April 29th at 10:45 in the morning I roll up to Best Buy to pick up my copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. Yes, I am a dork who gets GTA 4 on the release day 45 minutes after the store opens. Whatever, I do what I want. Anyways, the point of this rant is that when I pull in the parking lot is full of cars. Now I’ve been to Best Buy before and it’s usually not this full. So I think, “Great, every nerd on the planet is here getting there GTA 4.” So I head up into the store to grab my copy.

    First I get stuck behind a late 70′s (guessing) woman entering the Best Buy. What’s a 70 year old woman doing in Best Buy? Does she need a new 60′ HDTV? Is her washing machine broken and she just ran down to the local electronics store to grab a new one? Is she buying her 9 year old grandchild a copy of GTA 4, there for making him (or her) believe that sleeping with hos and then killing them for your money back (and also gaining health) is except able? Who knows why she was there.

    So after moving at 1/2 MPH for an hour, I get into the store and head over to grab my copy of GTA 4. Is there a line for GTA 4? No. Are there a lot of people getting there GTA 4 there (not pre order)? No. In fact, as far as I could tell only a handful of people wanted GTA 4 (at 10:45 on a Tuesday). So WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE DOING AT A BESTBUY AT 10:45 ON A TUESDAY? Have we all become so attached to the latest and greatest that we need the latest 1080p TV and fastest computer with the greatest memory (I know I do). Well at least one thing is good, people buying shit should stimulate the economy.

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    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | 3 Comments »

    First Post Jackasses

    By Icebeast | May 3, 2008

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    Yo. So this is the first post on our, “Rant about what the hell is wrong with the world or whatever comes to mind” blog. I shall treat you all to the great thoughts that come out of my head. For now however, I’m going to continue to kill people in GTA4 to relieve pent up stress.

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    Topics: Icebeast, Rants | No Comments »

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